


John Winchester's Journal-The Alternative Version

by AGJ1990



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-05-07 04:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 22,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19201798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AGJ1990/pseuds/AGJ1990
Summary: Excerpts from John Winchester's Journal, mainly revolving around Evy.





	1. May 31, 1992

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me. The original characters of Missy Collins and Evelyn Winchester do. 
> 
> A/N: So, a friend of mine gave me a copy of the book John Winchester’s Journal. I loved it, but of course, I wanted Evy to be in it. So I decided to put her in it. I won’t be including every single entry, just slipping Evy in to make her fit with the story according to the journal. I don’t know if I’ll just be doing one single entry per chapter or more than that, but some of the chapters might be pretty short. 
> 
> I am still working on Bringing Down the House. I’ll be working on the both of them at the same time.

1992

 

May 31

 

Missy’s been living with us for two weeks now. I haven’t felt this happy since before Mary died. And it scares me.

 

I was worried when I brought her home how the boys would react to it. With Sam, as it turns out, there was nothing to be afraid of. Sam took to her right away. Missy asked him questions about what he was doing in school, what he was reading, and Sam lapped up the attention like he was a starving cat with a bowl of milk. It hurt a little to watch. I know Sam is starved for my attention. It hurt to know that it made him so happy just to have someone listen to him. I’ll have to remember that for the future.

 

Dean is another story. He’s outwardly very respectful of Missy. He greets her, says good morning and good night, responds ‘yes, ma’am’ and ‘no, ma’am’ to her. I can’t really order him to do more than that. I’ve tried asking him what’s going on, and he says nothing, but I can see that he’s lying.

 

Is this about Mary? Is he worried that I’m trying to replace his mother? I know that if Mary were here, she’d want me to be happy. But she’d also want Sam and Dean to be happy. How do I make that happen?


	2. July 1992

1992

 

July 4

 

I’m still in shock. And it takes a lot now to truly shock me.

 

Missy’s pregnant.

 

She told me over two weeks ago and I still can’t process it. I’m going to be a dad again. There’s going to be another baby in the family.

 

Sam is floating on cloud nine. He’s so excited at the thought of being a big brother. He’s asked Missy a thousand questions since we told them both. When’s the baby coming? How big is it now? What should we name it? I told him a couple times to stop bugging Missy, but every time I do, she tells me to back off.

 

I wish Dean would take to Missy the same way Sam has. He’s still polite, still telling her ‘yes, ma’am’ and ‘no, ma’am’, but that’s about it. She tells me not to push Dean, that he’ll come around in time. As long as he’s polite to her, she wants me to leave him alone about it.

 

I try to talk to Dean, reassure him that everything’ll be okay. But I don’t know if he’s hearing me or not. I know I put way too much on Dean’s shoulders. Maybe it’s time he and I have a talk about everything. With Missy in the picture now, taking care of Sam most of the time, maybe he’s not feeling like he’s needed?

 

I’ll have to think about this later. Right now, Sammy’s chomping at the bit to go see some fireworks. Maybe it’ll cheer up Dean too.

 

July 31

 

Dean finally came clean about what’s been bothering him.

 

Missy and I had it out after the fourth of July fireworks. She made it clear that she would not be raising our baby in the hunting life. That if I wanted to stay with her, I had to accept that. I shot back that she had to accept that I wouldn’t stop hunting until I found what killed Mary. We eventually settled on a compromise. She would look for a permanent place to live, and I would use it as a home base.

 

What really surprised me was that she convinced me to let Sam live with her. Her argument was that it would be better for both her and him. Sam would have a permanent place to live, would be able to go to school and have friends like he wanted. He’d be much happier, and since Missy is a good hunter in her own right, he’d be safe. She said it would also be better for her, in case Dean and I were gone and something happened with the baby. Sam was old enough to get help for her.

 

When we told Sam and Dean about the new arrangement, it went almost exactly as I pictured it would. Sam was thrilled, and for the first time in a long time, he grabbed me and hugged me long and hard. He also did something I didn’t think I’d ever be able to see. He looked at Missy and said over and over ‘Thank you, Mom’.

 

Dean was considerably less happy about it. He didn’t say anything at first, just asked if he could be excused. I gave him permission, but started to follow him anyway. Missy told me not be hard on him, reminded me that ‘you’ll catch more flies with honey’. I found Dean sitting just outside of the motel room we’re in, holding something in his hand I didn’t know he had. A picture of Mary, holding him as a baby.

 

Dean tried to tell me he was fine, that he just needed some air, but I poked and prodded until he told me. He told me that he didn’t like Sam calling Missy ‘mom’, and he didn’t want to leave Sam behind when we went on hunts.

 

I got a bad feeling then. I think Mary would’ve been proud of me. I asked Dean if he wanted to stay behind with Missy too. If he wanted to have the life that Sam was getting. Dean took a long time to answer. I don’t do good with long silences, so I told Dean that while I’d miss him on the road, I wouldn’t leave his brother with Missy if he wanted to stay too. I’d find someone to help me with big hunts. That he could stay if he really, really wanted to. Of course, he told me no, that he just didn’t want to leave Sam behind and he didn’t want Sam to call ‘her’ Mom.

 

I think Mary would be proud of me for this too. I asked Dean what he remembered of his mother. He looked at me like I’d lost my mind. Which is understandable, because talking about Mary is like stabbing the both of us in the heart. But I told him to answer the question, and eventually he told me about being kissed to sleep at night, getting tomato soup when he was sick, and the sound of her singing voice. I reminded Dean that Sammy didn’t have any of those memories. All he had were memories of me being constantly gone, and having any questions about his mother shot down because it was too painful for either of us.

 

Maybe Mary wouldn’t be so proud of me for this part. But I told Dean he had a choice to make. I wouldn’t tell Sam he couldn’t stay with Missy. Being pregnant, it wasn’t good for her to be alone for days at a time. Even after the baby was born, I was planning to leave Sam there with her. But if it really bothered Dean, I would put a stop to Sam calling Missy his mom. I would only do it, though, if Dean would be the bad guy. I’d back him up, but he would have to tell Sam to stop doing it. I saw all the fight drain out of Dean when I said that. I tried to reassure him that Sam having a mother didn’t mean we were being disrespectful to Mary. Just the opposite, I told Dean. His mother would be happy that someone else would be there to love Sam when she couldn’t be. That he didn’t have to be as close to Missy as Sam was, but I did expect him to give her a true, honest chance.

 

Mary, I hope I was right. I hope you’re okay with this. I still miss you so much that it hurts. But I love Missy too. Am I betraying you by being with her? God, this is so confusing.


	3. August 29-September 3 1992

1992

 

August 29

 

It’s not often I think I made the right decision. But I know I made at least one now.

 

We found a house. It’s not a big one, but just the right size for us. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a good sized kitchen, a living room, and a room I think was used for a storage closet. It’s tiny, but in an attempt to do something for Dean, Missy offered to turn it into a room of his own. I was never so proud of Dean as I was when he answered her.

 

“I appreciate it, but I’d rather stay in the room with Sam.”

 

Dean seems to be warming up to Missy more. He smiles and laughs around her more than I’ve ever seen him do before. He even gave me a hug yesterday. Not that we don’t hug, but it’s not often he gives me one when I’m not late home from a hunt, or feeling bad, or something else along those lines. None of that was going on.

 

The boys are still on summer vacation, so school hasn’t started yet. With a little prodding from Missy, I offered to take Dean on an overnight trip somewhere, anywhere he wanted to go, and I swear you would’ve thought I’d told the boy he won the lottery. He asked if he could give me an answer before he went to bed, and he asked if we could check out the classic car place that just opened up in town. I promised him that, after training in the morning, we’d go, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen the kid so happy.

 

September 3

 

Missy and I had it out again today.

 

Dean and I never made it to that classic car place. I got a call that night after Dean was in bed about a hunt. Of course, Dean jumped at the chance to hunt with me, but I could tell it bothered him not to go. I tried to convince Missy I had every intention of going with Dean, we’d just have to go a little later. She let it go easy enough, but not without reminding me that Dean does everything I ever ask him to, and the least I could do is spend a couple hours with him doing what he wanted.

 

One good thing came out of this hunt. Sammy did something today I haven’t seen him do in years. As soon as the Impala turned into the driveway, before I even opened the driver’s door, I heard him shout ‘Daddy!’ and saw him come running out to meet me. He’s a bit big for me to pick up now, but he didn’t want to let me go. He chattered all the way into the house and the kitchen about what he and Missy had been up to while me and Dean were gone.

 

It’s Tuesday, and Sam starts school on Thursday. Missy came up with the idea to homeschool Dean, and I actually think it’s pretty brilliant. It’ll make it a thousand times easier to explain that Dean’s homeschooled because he has a hard time in public school than it will be to explain why he leaves for sudden long absences. He and I had a long talk today about it. I told him that, while homeschooling might be easier to deal with than public school, I expected him to give 200% effort to it and not slack off. And I told him that, with Missy being a former teacher, she would be able to tell if he wasn’t trying, and if she told me he wasn’t giving his all, he would be banned from hunting. Dean promised me he’d give it his best, and he was almost as excited as Sammy was when we told him he could stay home with Missy.

 

It feels good to have two happy kids. I don’t think that feeling’ll ever get old.

 

I guess I better go to bed. I’ve got a promise to keep to Dean tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

1992

 

October 19

 

I’m having a little girl.

 

It was actually Sam that told me. Missy was so pissed that I wasn’t at her last doctor’s appointment that she let Sam find out first. Not that I blame her. With that damned anniversary date coming up, I’m not exactly thrilled with the prospect of staying in one place.

 

Mary always wanted a little girl. She loved Sam, but after he was born, she started dropping hints about adopting a little girl. We never made it farther than it being a hypothetical, though.

 

Dean is doing better than I ever imagined in school. His grades actually compete with Sam’s now. Not having so much responsibility on his shoulders is definitely making a difference.

 

Sam talks to the baby every night. Missy and Sam have named her Evelyn. The more I say it to myself, the more unbelievable it sounds in my ears.

 

My daughter’s name is Evelyn Abigail Winchester.

 

I need to go think about this some more. Maybe by the time she’s born, it won’t be so scary.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I am still working on Chloe’s story, but a migraine is currently sucking the energy out of me. The headache is gone, but I’m still a little nauseous and, there’s no better word for it, loopy. I’m trying to keep working on this because it keeps me distracted, and it’s a lot easier to do a few short journal entries than a long narrative chapter. I’ll get back to Chloe in a couple days.**

**If anyone else reading this suffers from migraines, I know you probably understand. This stinks.**

 

1992

 

November 1

 

I had a dream last night.

 

In it, I was walking down a dirt road, and I came across Mary. She grabbed my hand and walked with me a little way, before she turned and gave me a kiss on the cheek. She told me that when I woke up, I’d be home. I told her I was already home with her, and nowhere else would ever be the same. She stopped walking, turned me around, and grabbed both my hands. It was like a scene in one of those sappy romantic movies she used to drag me too. She told me that I had to let her go. Before I could answer her, she turned around and was gone.

 

I’m sorry, Mary. I can’t do that. I can’t let you go. I know I have another child on the way, but I can’t stop thinking about you.

 

What do I do?

 

December 18

 

Keeping Sam at home with Missy turns out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.

 

Three days ago, Dean and I were on a hunt. It was supposed to be a short one, just a couple days, but it didn’t turn out that way. We’d been gone for a little less than a week, and were on our way back, when I got a panicked call from Sam. He had come home from school and found Missy laying at the bottom of the stairs, blood coming from her head, completely unconscious. I’m so proud of the way he responded. Before calling me, he called 911 and told them exactly what he found, and followed all their instructions until they got to the hospital. I’ve tried to train both the boys to avoid the hospital if necessary, but with a head wound bad enough to knock Missy unconscious for who knows how long, and her being pregnant, I’m proud of him for not waiting.

 

Missy and the baby, blessedly, are just fine. She apparently hit her head on the bathroom medicine cabinet, got dizzy, and fell down the stairs. The doctors said the baby showed no signs of even being injured at all. While we were there, they gave Missy another ultrasound. It was only the third one I’ve seen, but it amazes me. The baby was awake, sucking her thumb and moving around.

 

It’s so hard to believe. Missy’s six months pregnant. The baby will be here before we know it.

 

December 25

 

Merry Christmas. For the first time in years, it really is.


	6. Chapter 6

1993

 

January 15

 

We’re getting close.

 

Missy is seven months along. She’s so pregnant I can see the baby moving even when she doesn’t lift her shirt to let me feel it. Missy’s happy and miserable all at the same time. She can barely move, but still works to help Dean with school and take care of Sam and be there for me. I try to get her to rest, to take care of herself, but she’s as stubborn as me and Sammy combined.

 

January 29

 

Without telling me, Sammy called pastor Jim and Bobby and got them to agree to come help him take care of Missy when Dean and I were gone. Jim agreed to be here on weekdays and Bobby agreed to be here for the weekends. I’m starting to realize just how big my family really is.

 

We’ve started turning the room that the boys didn’t take into a nursery. I was surprised. I figured Missy would want the baby to sleep in the room with us in a bassinet for at least a few months. She said if we did that, it would be that much harder to move Evelyn to her own room. Better to start her off in her own room so she’s used to it.

 

Missy made a joke yesterday about Sam being a ‘mother hen’ to her. I noticed him look a little sad when she said that. I think it hurt his feelings, but he didn’t want to say that. He just looked at Missy and said ‘I’m being like that ‘cause you’re the only Mom I’ve ever had. I want to make sure you’re here for a long time’. Missy realized then that Sam was hurt, and she hugged him and told him she loved him and appreciated everything he did for her. Sam looked like he was glowing under the praise.

 

February 14

 

I got in another fight with Missy today.

 

We fought about the fact that Dean and I leave on a hunt tomorrow. She asked me to be home for the last month of the pregnancy. I pointed out that she’s not due for another six weeks, and this hunt should take less than a week. She huffed and threw her hands in the air and just said ‘Fine. Do whatever you want.’ I hate that. I hate that with a passion. If you’re going to fight with me, at least fight. Don’t just give up. I tried to tell her that I had to take this hunt. She looked at me and asked why. I told her people were dying. She told me I didn’t know that I had to take this hunt, because I hadn’t tried to get anyone else to take it. If I could take an hour to pack, I could take the house phone and take another hour to try and see if someone else could do it.

 

That’s when I threw my hands up. I went ballistic. I yelled at her, asked her if she thought I enjoyed being away all the time. If she thought I enjoyed worrying about her constantly, worrying about our daughter constantly. I also reiterated that I thought it was completely unfair, her giving me grief about finding Mary’s killer when I helped her find her husband and daughter’s killer. Missy got quiet. Really, scary quiet. She finally stood up, which isn’t easy, and just glared at me for a second before starting to walk away. I headed for the door when she finally told me the real reason she wants me home.

 

Her daughter, Ruthie, was born six weeks early. She was little, only a little under six pounds, and was born with a heart problem that probably wouldn’t have happened if she had been born when she was supposed to. Ruthie’s heart couldn’t be fixed by medication or a catheter, and it was causing so many problems by the time she was a month old that Ruthie had to have open heart surgery. She told me ‘John, I can’t go through that again. Not alone.’

 

What the hell was I supposed to say to that?

 

I gave her a hug and told her I’d do my best to find someone else to take the hunt. Turns out that Caleb was only an hour away from me. He was resting up after another hunt, and was actually planning to visit us anyway. He agreed to pick up Dean and take him on the hunt with him, then bring him back the second it was over. I told Dean tonight though that, after this hunt, it was the last one for all of us until after the baby was born. He was surprisingly okay with it.

 

There’s a big change in Dean from a few months ago. He still seems too old for his age, but he’s so much freer and relaxed than he had been. He still does so well in school. Missy tells me there’s days where he actually gets ahead in his work, and he still only works for about two hours a day. After that, he does whatever chores she wants him to do, and most days, he can actually spend time with his friends and be a kid.

 

Mary, I think I did good. I hope you think so too.

 

Shit. I just realized it’s Valentine’s Day. And I had a fight with Missy. I need to pick up Sam and get two, maybe three presents. He’ll have some good ideas what to get for Missy. I haven’t shopped for Valentine’s Day in years. Maybe I’ll let the boys get something for Missy too.

 

February 28

 

I took Sam to the park today, and I had a revelation.

 

I’m going to have a little girl.

 

I know that’s not exactly new information, but I saw another dad on the other end of the park with his little girl. She must have been about three, and her dad was leading her around by the hand listening to her talk. Eventually the little girl spotted something on the ground and bent down to pick it up. The dad panicked, yelled at her not to touch it, snatched her off the ground and stomped whatever it was with his foot.

 

The little girl went nuts. She cried like she’d just lost her best friend, and her dad must have realized that he’d yelled at her a little too loud, because he brought her over to a bench and held her for a minute. I heard him explain that he hadn’t meant to yell at her, but the bug she was about to pick up was a spider that was poisonous, and would have made her sick if it had bitten her. He’d yelled because he was scared, not because he was mad at her. The little girl finally calmed down, dad wiped her face, and they started to get up and keep on playing.

 

I told Sam I would be right back. I walked over to the dad and asked if I could talk to him for a second. He looked at me like I was crazy, but said it was okay. I told him that I had a little girl coming in about a month, and after two boys, I just wondered if he had any advice for me. The dad smiled and put the little girl down on the ground. He asked if Sam was my son, and asked if he would be willing to play with the little girl for a minute. Sam was happy to do it, and I saw them go just out of ear shot and Sam kick the ball with the little girl. After a minute, he finally gave me the best, if not weirdest advice, I think I’ve ever been given.

 

‘You’re gonna want to believe that she’s fragile. That she can’t do what your boys can do. Don’t make that mistake. Be gentler with her, for sure, but treat her like she’s just as tough as her brothers. And eventually she will be.’

 

That’s when I started to get scared. I don’t know how to do gentle. Does that mean that my little girl will grow up to be terrified of me? Maybe I should talk to Missy about this.

 

March 31

 

Missy’s in labor.

 

It’s almost time.

 

She had Braxton-Hicks contractions a couple weeks ago, and has been on bedrest ever since. Sam’s been practically sitting on the bed to make sure she stays there. He even sits outside the bathroom door when she goes in case she trips and falls. He still talks to the baby all the time, and begs me and Dean to do the same. I think she’ll know Sam’s voice more than mine.

 

The contractions are still forty apart, so it will be a while. The baby is actually late by a few days. We expected her to be born around the time of the fake labor. Sam is ready to go to the hospital now, but Missy keeps trying to reassure him. Only when the contractions are ten minutes apart. Sam wants to go to the hospital with us. I told him it wasn’t a good idea, since he wouldn’t be able to see the baby right away. Missy overruled me.

 

‘Let him come, John. I couldn’t have done this without him. It’s not fair to make him wait here.’

 

Sam’s a better birth coach than I could ever be. He’s sitting on the bed with Missy right now, holding her hand through a contraction. I laughed at him when Missy turned her head and Sam shook his hand out. The contractions have been going on since three o’clock this morning, and it’s almost three in the afternoon. Missy’s trying to take a small nap, and Sam is sleeping right up there with her, ready to take over when needed.

 

God, I’m a lucky man.


	7. Chapter 7

1993

 

April 15

 

I should have known it was too damn good to be true.

 

The baby was born on April 1. She was a little small, a little more than six pounds, but she’s healthy. It was a long labor, more than thirty hours total. Which, as it turns out, was exactly the worst thing that could have happened.

 

Missy’s labor seemed long, but relatively normal. She was fine, up until the point the baby was born. The baby came out, they showed her to us and took her away to clean her up for a minute. I turned around to say something to Missy, and she was white as a sheet and about to pass out. The doctors rushed me out of the room, and an hour and a half later, they came out and told me that she’d passed away.

 

I thought this was over. I thought I’d finally have a family. I guess it was too much to hope for.

 

I was surprised when I told Sam that we would have to abandon the house and go back on the road. He took it really well. I don’t know if it was shock or what, but he just nodded and held on to the baby tighter. We’ve been staying with Jim since we left the hospital. Jim takes care of her during the day, and Sam at night. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t cry too much. Sam feeds her, changes her, bathes her, sings her to sleep at night. Maybe he should be her Daddy.

 

That’s not fair. I know that, yet I can’t help it.

 

How the hell am I gonna do this?


	8. Chapter 8

1993

 

September 9

 

It’s official. None of my kids said Daddy for their first word.

 

Dean and I came home from a hunt last night. Sam was reading Evelyn a bedtime story. Sam closed the book, started to go lay her down, and Evelyn said, clear as day and as loud as she could, ‘Cricket’. My only surprise was that her first word wasn’t Sammy.

 

It’s been a little over five months since Missy died. I still feel like I’m drowning, like things will never be alright again. It’s not as bad as it was with Mary. Or maybe I’m just numb to how bad I can truly feel now.

 

I have a hard time holding Evelyn. Once in a while, she’ll look up at me with those eyes, the same color brown as her mother’s, and hold up her arms for me to hold her. I try to do it. I really do. I want to be there for her. I wish I could feel that joy, that happiness that I remember feeling being a dad before. But I just don’t have it anymore.

 

December 1

 

Evelyn’s officially eight months old.

 

She says a few words now. Deanie. Beebee. Cricket. Pay, meaning play. Squishy, after the stuffed cat Sam got her a few days after she was born. Her favorite thing to say, Sammy. But still no Daddy.

 

She still wants me to hold her, hug her, kiss her, play with her. I try. But I still don’t feel as attached to her as I do to Dean or even Sam. She’s still a tiny kid, but she’s growing by leaps and bounds. She looks different every time I come home. Sam does a good job with her. He seems even more determined to watch out for her than Dean did with Sam.

 

December 2

 

I spoke too soon.

 

It happened last night. Sam and Dean have done exceptionally well lately, keeping up with their training, keeping an eye out for each other and for Evelyn, and doing their schoolwork and chores. I’m home for at least a couple days, so I told Sam and Dean to take the night off, go to town and do something together.

 

Sam was a little reluctant to go. Evelyn’s teething, so she’s crying a lot more than usual. I thought Sam had some special way with her, some way to calm her without even trying. Turns out, that was as stupid as it sounded. Sam had bought a spare pacifier, and was keeping one in the freezer. Evelyn cried for a solid half hour after Sam left last night, until I found the note Sam left and gave her the frozen pacifier. It was after that, she said it.

Daddy.

 

We played for a few minutes before the boys got home. She kept calling me, like she was scared if she didn’t I’d leave her. Which I’ve done more often in her life than I ever did in the boys’. I used to wonder if I made the right decision with Evelyn after Missy died. Keeping her with me and the boys versus putting her up for adoption. For the first time tonight, I feel like I did the right thing.

 

My heart feels slightly lighter tonight. I think I might even go so far as to say I feel a little joy. I feel like a proud father again.

 

December 25

 

This time last year, I was a happy man.

 

This year, even though I spent a lot of the last year feeling miserable, I still think I’m relatively happy.

 

Sam decorated the little motel room we’re in for Christmas. I tried to tell him it was a waste of time, but he insisted on doing it for Evelyn. He wanted her first Christmas to be special. Not just for her, he said, but for all of us.

 

It was. He got Evelyn three small gifts, sat her in the middle of them, and helped her open them up. She stared at each one like it was a treasure. One was a board book, one a blanket, and the other gift a book that plays music when you touch the buttons on the side. She’s fallen in love with that book. All day I heard the music playing through the room, and every single time she laughed. I tried to stay with her and be with her, but all I could think about was that Missy should be here with us. That Mary should be here.

 

Sam put Evelyn to bed about two hours ago, and she just woke up crying. I changed her and tried to soothe her back to sleep, but it didn’t work. I’d hate to wake up Sam, so I’ll keep her with me until she does doze off. She’s sitting in my lap now, miserable. She has a bit of a fever. Nothing terrible, but high enough she’s uncomfortable. She’s shaking too. I think she has chills. She’s finally stopped moving around, and now is laying with her head up against my chest, looking at me like I can take her pain away.

 

I wish I could, little one. I wish I could.


	9. Chapter 9

1993

 

December 27

 

I thought kids having colds was a bitch to get through.

 

Evelyn got sicker after waking up Christmas night with what I thought was just a bad cold. It started with her fever not wanting to go down, so I went out and got some infant Tylenol last night. When I got back, Sam showed me her hands and feet, which were covered with red spots. At first, I thought she had chicken pox. It seemed a little weird for her to get it before her first birthday, but I thought it was a good thing. If she had it now, maybe she wouldn’t get it when she was older.

 

Then, Sam went to feed her. Evelyn’s been holding her own bottle for a couple of weeks, but when Sam handed it to her, she pushed it away. I chalked it up to her being sick, so I wasn’t too worried about it. Sam sat down and held her to feed her. He coaxed her a little, and she eventually accepted the bottle.

 

Then she lost her mind.

 

She pushed the bottle away a little more, then when Sam tried one more time, she started screaming. Sam put the bottle down and looked at me and Dean, completely lost. I felt sorry for him. I’m Evelyn’s father. I should know what to do when things like this happen. I missed Missy so bad right then. I started to look at Dean, hoping he had an idea, when Sam told me to look at Evelyn’s mouth. When I did, I knew something was wrong. There were blisters and sores in her mouth. Sam lifted her lip and there was one big one underneath.

 

I’m not one for the hospital. But we went last night.

 

Hand, foot, and mouth disease. I’ve never heard of it. But the doctor said that while it looked nasty, and Evelyn would undoubtedly feel bad for a while, with Tylenol, rest, and plenty of fluids, she should be just fine. He gave us a list of things for her to eat and drink that wouldn’t make her feel worse, then sent us home.

 

I wish someone would tell her.

 

She’s grumpier than normal. I know that’s not her fault. I just wish I could take it from her. I’m hurting all the time anyway, it only seems fair that I take on what’s hurting her too. Sam figured out that if he puts some ice in her bottle and lets it sit for a minute before giving it to her, she eats a little easier. Dean gave her a little applesauce for breakfast this morning, and she ate that pretty well. Evelyn’s been eating solid food for a few months, but I guess she’s going back to baby food for a bit.

 

This is going to be a long few days.


	10. Chapter 10

1994

 

April 1

 

Evelyn is a year old. Where did the time fly?

 

I’m watching her sleep right now. Sam insisted on throwing her a party. Bobby and Dean helped him make a cake, and Sam stuffed some candles on top of it. I watched Sam help her blow them out then wait for Bobby to cut her a piece.

 

I started to go back and keep working on this hunt when I heard Evelyn calling me. She had a handful of birthday cake in one hand and was begging me to pick her up with the other. When I did, she tried a little too eagerly to feed me the cake and ended up shoving the cake into my beard. I’m surprised at my own patience; I just started laughing and gave her a kiss. She did something then she’d never done before. She grabbed my beard, kissed it, and told me she loved me.

 

I gave her quite the birthday present. I showed her what it looks like when her Daddy cries.

 

May 14

 

Evelyn started walking today.

 

Sam’s been trying to get her to do it for weeks now. She can stand up on her own, and she can walk around if she’s holding on to something. But today, she did it. She let go of the coffee table in the rental house and stood there for a minute, Sam goading her and Dean standing behind him encouraging her. I had a small disposable camera in my pocket, and I pulled it out and snapped a picture of it.

 

We were all holding our breath, I think. She took one step, then another, then another. Eight steps later, she made it to Sam, who scooped her up and held her.

 

I remember what it’s like now. To feel like a proud dad.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Warning-John describes Evy’s first spanking in this chapter. Don’t like, don’t read.**

 

1994

 

September 7

 

Evelyn’s gotten into an odd phase that I don’t remember Sam or Dean ever going through. She refers to herself as ‘Baby’.

 

I think it comes from Sam and Dean both calling her that all the time. She’ll look up at one of them, throw her arms in the air, and beg them to ‘pick up Baby?’ She’ll only do it with them, though. I’ll admit it makes me jealous. Does she not think she’s my baby too?

 

But it is awfully cute. And it’s one of the only things that brings a smile to my face lately.

 

October 9

 

I crossed a milestone with Evelyn today that I wish I’d never had to cross.

 

It was my own damn fault. Sam and Dean were both at school. I was in the apartment, cleaning the weapons, and had Evelyn in the room with me. She was playing in the corner with Squish and a couple of other various old toys of Sam and Dean’s. Or so I thought. Before I knew it, I looked up and she was standing at the edge of the table, staring in fascination at one of the knives that was on the table. Before I could tell her to back away, she was reaching for it.

 

Of course I told her, maybe a little too roughly, to back away. I forget sometimes that my voice carries (okay, I yell), and I scared her so bad she fell back flat onto her butt. I saw that lip start to wobble, and I decided to try and stop the tears in their tracks. I got up, picked her up, and pointed to the knife on the table. I was as clear as I thought I could be. I told her she can’t touch anything on that table. If she does, it’ll hurt her. She said she understood.

 

It was then that I discovered I was an idiot.

 

I left for a second to use the bathroom. I thought I’d made it crystal clear to her not to touch the weapons. But just as I was coming out of the bathroom, Evelyn let out an almighty scream. I came running in, gun drawn, thinking something was attacking her. I found her sitting on the floor in front of the table, blood coming from her hand.

 

After the heart attack I had seeing blood coming from my little baby’s hand, I picked her up and stitched her up. Once she had stopped crying, I asked her if she’d touched the knife after I told her not to. That bottom lip started to wobble again, and I felt like the world’s biggest asshole. But I have to be big bad Daddy, so I asked her again. She told me she did, and after telling her that was a very naughty thing to do and that she had to listen to me when I told her to do something, I turned her over my knee and swatted her diaper six times.

 

The way she cried made my own heart hurt. But I had to be big bad Daddy for a bit longer. I held her till she quit crying, then asked her if she was going to touch Daddy’s weapons again. She promised me she wouldn’t, then did the one thing I was hoping she wouldn’t do. She asked me if we could have some ‘cweam’, her word for ice cream. I said no, that naughty girls don’t get snacks until after dinner. She stuck that bottom lip out and asked that damn question.

 

‘Daddy mad at Baby?’

 

I set the land speed record today for scooping ice cream.

 

November 26

 

I had a good Daddy day last night and today.

 

I let Sam go to a sleepover last night. He’s worked so hard taking care of Evelyn that I had to let him have some fun. Everything was going fine until just before I went to put Evelyn down to bed. She was crying steadily and putting a hand to her head. She had a fever of 100.9.

 

‘Baby feel bad.’

 

I still don’t know what exactly was wrong with her. She wailed for almost two solid hours before I finally gave up and picked her up. I should have known that would calm her down from the start. She craves hugs and kisses like most kids crave candy. But I guess she got tired of waiting for me to do something, so she told me how to make her feel better. She ended up sleeping in my jacket all night, curled up against my chest so she could, as she requested, listen to my heartbeat.

 

When she woke up this morning, she looked like a completely different child. Her color was back and she was happy. I checked her temperature before we left to get breakfast and it was just a little over 99. But in return for me helping her last night, she insisted on making my ‘owie’, the cut I got on my cheek a couple weeks ago, better. She leaned over and kissed it, and looked mighty proud of herself for making Daddy feel better.

 

I think I was just as surprised as her that she did make me feel better.


	12. Chapter 12

1994

 

December 25

 

Sam worked hard again this year to make Christmas special for Evelyn. And it worked. Not just for her, but me and Dean too. When Evelyn woke up, she saw the two presents for her laying down under the Charlie Brown tree, and her eyes lit up. Sam got her a foam ball and a doll. She’s been holding on to them all day, showing them over and over to me and Dean.

 

I let another year go by without getting anything for the boys. I’m so used to them practically taking care of themselves that it really did slip my mind. I got lucky this year, though. Bobby showed up with the presents I ‘left’ at his house so the boys wouldn’t peek and find them. Dean has a new hunting knife, some new sneakers to replace the ones he has falling apart, and a copy of _One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest_. Sam got a box set of books that he’s been looking at all year. Bobby got Evy a sock monkey that’s almost the same size as her, and now she’s hugging it and Squish like her life depends on it.

 

I thought the day was over, but just when I sent the kids to bed, they surprised me with a gift from the both of them. A framed 8x10 Walmart studio photo of the three of them, and a new wallet with photos of all of them. In the front is a wallet sized version of the professional picture, and a picture each of Mary and Missy. Sam was holding Evelyn, and she handed me a picture that she drew for me. It’s a bunch of indecipherable lines, but to me it’s worth more than the most valuable artwork on the planet. Sam reminded her to say something, and that’s when she said it.

 

‘Merry Christmas Daddy’.

 

I don’t deserve these kids. But I’m grateful as hell that I have them.

 

1995

 

April 1

 

Evelyn turns two today. Happy birthday, little one. You’ve become your Daddy’s heart.

 

July 7

 

Evelyn did something today that’s nearly impossible. She made me laugh. Really laugh.

 

Dean and I just back from a long hunt. She was out in the garage with Bobby when we got here, so we decided to sit in the living room and surprise her. When she came inside, Bobby was holding her, and I thought she’d knock him down to get to us. Dean gave her a toy that we’d found in a thrift store, and she immediately fell in love with it. When Sam woke up a few minutes later, she randomly started to laugh. It took a few seconds to figure out what she was laughing at, but she pointed it out on her new toy.

 

‘Sammy look like chicken’.

 

I don’t even know why that made me laugh like it did. But when Sam grumbled that it was time for the ‘little chicken’ to take a nap, she cracked back at him with ‘I not chicken. You chicken.’ It’s still making me laugh hours later.

 

I’m a lucky man.

 

July 9

 

Evelyn seems determined to take me on a roller coaster of emotions this week.

 

Bobby’s big dog, Rumsfeld, has adopted her as a sort of puppy. Whenever she plays outside lately, she walks over to him, and more often than not, she’s either playing beside him or sitting under him and using him for shade. The boys were off doing their own thing today while I was in town researching to see if there was another hunt nearby. Evelyn was here with Bobby. When I got back, the story he told me made me glad I hadn’t been here.

 

Apparently, Evelyn went outside and walked over to Rumsfeld with some treats that Bobby had given her to feed him. Bobby noticed a stray dog he doesn’t know walk up into the yard, and ran inside to get the shotgun to scare it off. When he came back outside, he found Evelyn underneath Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld was growling at the stray, scaring it off, and Evelyn was yelling at it, telling it not to come back.

 

I can’t decide if I’m afraid to leave her anywhere without me again, or if I’m insanely proud of how brave she seems to be becoming. That’s my girl is all I can say.

 

October 15

 

I had my first real conversation with Evelyn about her mother today.

 

I was packing to go on a hunt, when she noticed the picture of Missy I keep in my wallet. She asked me who the lady was. My heart felt like it locked up in my chest. I wanted to do the same thing I used to do when Sam would ask about his mom, and defer to Dean, but for some reason I didn’t. I took the picture out and explained to her that it was her Mommy. She stared at it for a minute, then handed it back to me.

 

‘Daddy, why you crying?’

 

I didn’t even realize I had been. I wiped the tear away and told her that I missed her mommy very, very much, and it sometimes made me sad to think about her. Then she asked me the one question I’d hoped she wouldn’t ask. She asked me why Mommy isn’t here with us.

 

It’s been so long since I thought of Missy without thinking of Mary too. But today that’s all I could focus on. I skipped out on Evelyn and didn’t answer her question. I just told her to ask Sammy about it and kept packing. I then realized something. Sam and Dean have both had times with a mother now. Dean with Mary and Sammy with Missy. I don’t see myself getting comfortable enough with anyone else to have any kind of a close relationship, so in all likelihood, Evelyn never will.

 

Sam sometimes accuses me of acting like I don’t care about them with how much I leave. I hope he never, ever sees me cry like I did today in the car, realizing my baby girl would never know her Mommy, and how much it hurt me.


	13. Chapter 13

1995

 

October 31

 

Dean’s been gone for two weeks.

 

The day after Evelyn asked me about her mother, I got a call that Dean had been arrested. I thought about abandoning the hunt and going to get him, but I decided not to. I know Dean will probably be thinking I left him there, and that’s partially the truth. This is way beyond something that grounding him or extra training or any other punishment I can think up will do. I left Dean with plenty of money to feed himself, Sam, and Evy while I was gone. It was a simple hunt, so there was no reason for him to steal.

 

But there’s another reason. I checked on the home where Dean was sent to. The guy that runs it is a good guy. He takes in kids that need a home and gives them some stability. Helps them get back into a good, regular life. Dean needs that again for a few weeks. I’ll go back and get him before Christmas.

 

The problem has been in what to tell Sam and Evelyn. Evelyn just asks for her brother, over and over and over again. I just hope she doesn’t start crying for him. Sam, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to believe the story I told him. That Dean’s on a long hunt with a hunter friend of mine. He hasn’t started an argument with me about it yet, and hopefully it stays that way.

 

Thankfully, Bobby didn’t ask any questions when I told him I needed him to keep Evelyn and Sam for a while. I think he knows something’s up with Dean, but I think he’s afraid if he pushes I’ll take them away too. I can’t really tell him differently.

 

November 17

 

Dean’s been gone a month.

 

Evelyn cries for him, and Sam begs me to go find him. They miss their brother terribly. Truth is, I miss him too. Not having him with us is just showing me everything that he does for us. I couldn’t take care of Sam and Evelyn without him.

 

Mary, I’m so sorry. I’m a failure as a father. But the two times I’ve gone to check on Dean, he’s been with the friends he’s made at the group home, laughing and having a good time. How do I take that away from him?

 

I’ll keep my original promise. I’ll give him another month.

 

December 15

 

I went and picked up Dean today.

 

I honestly thought I was doing the right thing, letting him stay there at the boys’ home. But when Dean gave me the full story, like I should have let him do when I first found out, I wanted to throw up.

 

No one had told me what Dean stole. The cop that called me just said he’d been picked up for shoplifting. He’d tried to steal peanut butter, bread, jelly, and cold medicine. The heat went out in the crappy apartment we were living in at the time, and the temperature inside was twelve degrees. Evelyn got sick because of the cold. Dean couldn’t get ahold of me, and he’d used the food money I left behind to buy a heater. That left him with just a few dollars, and when he still couldn’t get ahold of me, he tried gambling with it so he could get the food and the medicine honestly. Only when that didn’t work had he tried to steal what they need.

 

I left my boy alone for two months, and all he was doing was trying to do what I should have done in the first place. I had known that apartment was a disaster. I had been planning to leave the second the hunt was over. I only needed two more days. But apparently that was plenty of time for my stupid decisions to hurt all three of my children.

 

I hear Evelyn in the other room, laughing at something I’m sure Dean’s doing. She nearly fell out of her carseat earlier when we went to pick up Dean. She saw him and yelled his name then demanded he take her out of her carseat to give her a hug.

 

I hear Sammy laughing now. I have a feeling the three of them are sharing a bed tonight.

 

December 25

 

Dean seems to have forgiven me for the boys home incident.

 

Sam and Evelyn are different stories. Neither of them will let him go. Evelyn, who usually refuses to let anyone but Sam put her to sleep at night, makes Dean sit by her bed until she falls asleep. She asks him constantly ‘Deanie go way again?’ and he swears he won’t. She barely spares me a second look, almost as if she knows it was me that did it. Sam answers questions that I ask him, but just like Evelyn, barely gives me another look.

 

Merry Christmas, everyone.

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

1995

 

December 28

 

I got quite the surprise today.

 

Evelyn was playing on the floor with her toys. I try not to feel a twinge of guilt when I look at how few toys of her own she has. She has Squish, the sock monkey Bobby got her for Christmas last year, a doll that Dean gave her for Christmas this year, and the foam ball Sam gave her. I watched her for a minute. She had the sock monkey and the doll set up opposite each other, and was pushing the ball to each of them. When the ball stopped in front of one of them, she would clap her hands and say ‘yay!’, then take the ball back and roll it to the other one. If the ball rolled past them, she would get up, pat the top of their head and say ‘it okay, just try again’, and sat back down and did it again.

 

It amazes me how she can keep herself entertained like that.

 

Anyway, she stood up and started to walk to the bathroom. I asked her where she was going, and she told me she had to go to the potty. I started to get up and take her, but she held up a hand and insisted on going herself.

 

‘No, Daddy. I go by myself.’

 

Since when has she been potty trained? I knew Sam was trying, but I didn’t know how far along he’d gotten. I was a little skeptical, but sure enough, a minute later, I heard the toilet flush. Evelyn ran back to the living room, smiling like she’d just won the lottery.

 

‘I did it, Daddy! I goed!’

 

Sam, who had been out with Dean getting some groceries, came inside just then and asked what was going on. It seems Evelyn pulled a bit of sleight of hand on me. When I told Sam she’d just gone to the bathroom, Sam looked shocked. She’d never done it completely by herself before. We all gave her hugs and kisses and told her what a big girl she was.

 

What a big girl she is indeed.

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

1996

 

January 26

 

I snapped at Evelyn over something so stupid tonight even I couldn’t believe it.

 

The child has an appetite that could beat Dean’s, and she eats like a goat. She definitely has her favorite foods, but she’ll eat anything that’s put in front of her, then ask for seconds. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her turn any food down. But tonight, Sam made broccoli for dinner, and Evelyn wasn’t having it. She flat out refused to eat it. She ate her chicken and her potatoes, more than enough to get dessert. I should have, like Bobby was planning to do, just let it go.

 

But I can’t just let stuff go, especially the day after a false lead about the demon that killed Mary.

 

After the third time of Sam coaxing her and Evelyn refusing, I slammed my hand on the table and demanded that she eat the rest of her dinner. I could see the whole mood of the room change. Bobby went from amused to wanting to kill me. Sam was shooting daggers at me. Dean went from laughing at Evelyn’s stubborn ‘I not eat trees’ to being worried. And, worst of all, Evelyn was scared of me. She didn’t start crying, but that damn bottom lip started wobbling. She ate one piece of broccoli, before Sam picked her up and took her for a bath.

 

Evelyn’s in the living room with Sam and Dean and Bobby right now. She’s watching cartoons with them, and I can hear her laughing. I know it would thrill her soul if I wen tin there with her, especially if I took her and sat her in my lap. Nothing would make me happier. But I just can’t bring myself to do it.

 

April 1

 

My baby girl is three years old. Where does the time go?

 

She’s completely potty trained, except for the occasional pull up change needed during long trips in the Impala. She’s smart as a whip. She’s learned her numbers up to five, and is trying to learn to count to ten. She knows all her colors, and is working on her alphabet. She can mostly dress herself. She makes stories up on her own and tells them to Sam.

 

But the best part of it all? Her heart. That damn big heart and those puppy dog eyes that put her brothers to shame. It amazes me, after everything I face on a regular basis, that a little curly haired kid that’s barely bigger than my arm can make all the bad stuff I go through worth it.

 

Evelyn woke up a little while ago from a bad dream. She wouldn’t tell me about it, just begged me to hold her and help her get back to sleep. I hate that she was scared and miserable, but these moments are so few and far between that I can’t help but hold onto them. They give me comfort that maybe, just maybe, I can still be a good dad once in a while. They give me what I haven’t had since Mary died. Peace.


	16. Chapter 16

1996

 

June 16

 

I’m an idiot. There’s no denying it. I’m a damn idiot.

 

I know now that it was nothing more than jealousy, but I was getting worried about how close Evelyn was to Sam. We’ve been moving back and forth a lot more than normal lately. It’s June, and we’ve been in ten different places. Sam takes care of her like normal, but all of his free time is spent with Evelyn too. It’s doing her good in terms of her learning; she can count to ten and she’s working on her alphabet now. She’ll be reading soon. But, as grateful as I am for how well a job Dean has done with Sam, I don’t want Evelyn to be that dependent on Sam. So, when I got wind of a simple hunt, I sent Sam on it a week ago. The idea was to try and get Evelyn used to the idea of not having Sam around all the time.

 

It didn’t quite work out that way. Evelyn spent the entire week moping, asking me and Dean where ‘my Sammy’ went. Dean would try and cheer her up, but she’d always ask again. ‘Where’s my Sammy?’

 

Missy would undoubtedly have kicked my ass for this. But I didn’t know what else to do. Bobby happily pointed out that almost anything would have been better than what I did tell Evelyn. I told her the truth. The truth about monsters, about Mary, about what me, Sam, and Dean really do, and what Missy used to do as well. She listened to me, but as soon as I was done, she ran away and into her, Sam, and Dean’s room. She locked the door (something I didn’t even know she knew how to do) and refused to let me in.

 

She eventually allowed Dean inside, and Dean refused to let me in there. ‘I’ve got her, Dad’. I could hear her crying through the door, and Dean trying to tell her that everything was okay. I gave up trying to talk to her and went in the kitchen to try and find another hunt.

 

Sam got home a little while later and reacted just as I thought he might. He calmed Evelyn down and put her to sleep, for a few minutes anyway. He basically told me he doesn’t trust me with her. Ripped me a new one for destroying her childhood and undoing everything he does for her to make her feel safe when I’m gone. When I went to find Evelyn later, I found her sleeping in Sam’s arms like nothing had happened. Instead of loosening Evelyn’s hold on Sam, it seems I’ve tightened it and ruined any chance that she might trust me.

 

June 24

 

I screwed up with Evelyn again last night.

 

Dean and I got back from a hunt very late. It didn’t go well. We killed the spirit, but not before it attacked and killed three more people. Dean headed to bed, and I sat on the couch for a minute. To wallow, to think, I don’t even know now. But I was shocked out of it when I felt something touch my knee. It was Evelyn.

 

The next part is fuzzy. I know I yelled at her, and I know I spanked her. It was Dean’s voice that broke me out of it. The second I let her go, she ran away from me and over to Dean. That’s when it hit me. I told Evelyn the truth about monsters hoping it wouldn’t make her scared. But the only thing she seems to be scared of is me.

 

It turned out okay, but only because of Evelyn’s forgiving heart. She played a game with me, then went to bed. The only reason she had stayed up in the first place was to give me a birthday card she’d made for me. And all she got in return for that was a spanking she didn’t deserve. Just like I don’t deserve her.


	17. Chapter 17

1996

 

July 5

 

I came home from a hunt today to find an empty house.

 

At first I was mad. Really mad. Dean knows that he’s supposed to keep Sam and Evelyn at home when I’m away. I drove all around looking for them. I knew there were no fireworks displays anywhere around here that night, so when I saw one go up, I headed straight for it.

 

I found Dean and Sam in an empty field, lighting fireworks. I started to get out and scream at them for breaking the rules, for leaving the house when they weren’t supposed to, for disobeying a direct order. I had my hand on the door when I spotted it.

 

Evelyn was over to the side, standing in front of Sam, holding a sparkler and practically squealing with delight every time Dean lit a firework. As angry as I had been, I didn’t have the heart to break them up. So instead, I drove away and got a room, leaving them to their fun. Maybe I should’ve joined them.

 

August 1

 

I don’t know whether to laugh about this or yell about it.

 

I was packing up Evelyn’s things and I came across an envelope in her bag. I opened it and found eight one-dollar bills in it. After wondering what the hell was going on, and why my three-year-old was hiding money, I pulled her aside and asked her what it was for. It took a little prodding, but she finally admitted to me where the money’s coming from.

 

I have noticed that Dean’s been taking her shopping with him a lot more lately, or volunteering to take her somewhere like the park. Apparently, he’s been paying her a dollar to walk up to cute girls and pretend to be lost. Then, just as the girl starts to help Evelyn find her missing brother, Dean ‘finds’ her and hopefully gets the girl.

 

Screw it. Dean deserves a little fun. Evelyn told me Dean always stays where she can see him. It did make me crack up when Evelyn told me that Dean didn’t have to pay, that she’d do it for free. When I asked her why she still takes the money, she shrugged.

 

Smart girl.

 

November 20

 

It took a while, but I think things are cooling off between me and Evelyn.

 

Dean dropped out of school at the beginning of this year. Mary wouldn’t have wanted him to drop out at all, so I told him that he would get his GED or he’d quit hunting until he did. As much as I hate the fact that Dean won’t finish school, I love that he’s home all the time.

Anyway, Sam and Dean wanted to go Christmas shopping for Evelyn today, so they begged me to keep her. We’ve moved so much this year that I got us a decent sized house for rent. It’s about the size of the one we had with Missy. There are three bedrooms, and I insisted that Sam, Dean, and Evelyn each take their own rooms. I sleep on the couch at night.

 

While I was working today, trying to figure out what was going on with a hunt nearby, Evelyn walked into the kitchen. She wanted me to play with her. I told her I couldn’t, that I was busy working, and she walked away. A few minutes later, she came back into the kitchen and made herself a makeshift desk, with a kitchen chair and a stepstool.

 

‘I work too, Daddy’.

 

So, I worked on my hunt and Evelyn worked on a drawing. When I needed a break, I took her outside to play. We tossed a beach ball around in the front yard for a minute, before Evelyn tripped and fell after I threw the ball a little far. She tripped and fell right onto a broken bottle.

 

I remembered today the advice that the guy gave me in the park a few weeks before Evelyn was born. He told me to treat Evelyn gently, but not like she’d break. I surprised myself with how I reacted to her getting hurt. I kept myself calm, brought her inside and stitched her up. But what really surprised me was just how tough my little 28 pound, two feet nine inch tall little one can be. She was scared, and told me she was scared, but other than a few tears that dripped down while I was stitching her up, she barely made a sound. All she wanted when I was done was a kiss. After I picked her up and put her back down on the kitchen floor, she gave me the picture she’d drawn earlier in the day. It was of the two of us working. I’m sticking it in my wallet and leaving it there.

 

She reminds me so much of her mother. I miss Missy today. She would have been insanely proud of Evelyn. Just like I am.


	18. Chapter 18

1997

 

April 1

 

Evelyn’s four years old.

 

Four.

 

My baby’s not a baby anymore. It’s thrilling and sad all at the same time. She can get herself dressed with next to no help at all. She’s got her alphabet down, and Sam’s starting to teach her to read. He keeps her busy, away from everything to do with hunting.

 

And that’s part of the problem.

 

Sam and I fight all the time. We’ve never exactly been best friends, but lately we’ve been at each other’s throats more and more. He wants me to keep Evelyn away from hunting. Let her be a kid. I told him I understood, that I wasn’t trying to start full on training her. She’s still way too little for that. But I am planning to teach her the basics. How to spot a demon, what to do about it if she sees one, that kind of thing. I hope to God that by the time Evelyn is old enough to actually start training, this mess will be over, but maybe if I start her with the basics now, it’ll be ten times easier to train her than it was Sam.

 

But Sam refuses to listen.

 

I’ve tried to be patient. I know he’s just trying to protect his baby sister. Or maybe his baby is a more accurate description. But Sam has to realize that I’m the dad and I’m in charge. If he doesn’t drop it soon, I don’t know what I’ll have to do.

 

Hopefully, today he’ll just let us celebrate his baby sister’s birthday.

 

October 12

 

I should have known it was too good to be true.

 

The arguing between me and Sam kept getting worse. He said that trying to teach Evelyn about monsters was giving her nightmares almost every night. I told him if that is true, then those could be dealt with. But she needed to know. Sam pointed out that if I was going to give her nightmares, I should have to be the one to have to deal with them when she woke up crying in the middle of the night. He has a point, but of course I’m too stubborn to admit that.

 

Then, two months ago, Sam started going quiet. Too quiet. He didn’t argue with me. He let me teach Evelyn. He didn’t talk to me much, but that wasn’t that out of the ordinary. At first, I thought it was awesome. I even promised Sam, as a kind of reward, that I’d back off a little from talking to Evelyn about monsters. And I promised him that if Evelyn had nightmares because of something I taught her, I would be gentle with her and I would help her deal with them.

 

But this morning, I got a frantic call from Dean. He woke up and found Sam and Evelyn’s beds both empty. Squish was gone, along with Dean’s duffel bag. I guess Sam took Dean’s because it’s the biggest of the three of theirs and can fit more of what they need.

 

There is, of course, the possibility that Sam and Evelyn were taken by something. But I don’t see it. For one thing, why would they have taken Sam and Evelyn and left Dean completely alone? For that matter, how would they get past Dean in the first place?

 

No. Sam took Evelyn and ran. I’ll have to deal with this when I find them.

 

If I find them.

 

October 19

 

My babies have been gone for a week.

 

I’ve got three hunters looking for them. Me, Dean, and Caleb. Seems Sam has been paying attention to me. Maybe a little too well. He took one of my emergency credit cards, but he hasn’t used it. And there’s no way to trace the cash he took with him, if there even was any. I’ve asked Jim to keep them there if they show up, but that’s too easy. Part of me wants to drive to Jim’s and make sure they aren’t there. But as much as Jim hates how tough I am on them, I doubt he’d keep them from me. Besides, if I waste time driving there and they’re not there, it just means I’ve used up valuable time.

 

Where the hell are they?

 

Dean barely talks. I think he blames himself for this. I want to tell him that it’s not on him, but I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. He was responsible for them. The fact that Sam was able to sneak past him and get away tells me I’ve been too soft on both him and his brother. I’ll have to remedy that.

 

Wherever they are, please let them be okay. None of this is worth it without the two of them.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Warning-this chapter’s very angsty. It’s John’s journal entry for my story Line in the Sand, where he not only spanks Evy and Sam for running away, he ends up accidentally slapping Evy in the face and almost loses her to Bobby as a result.**

 

1997

 

October 26

 

We found Sam and Evelyn.

 

It was actually Bobby that found them. He got a tip that a kid was living in Flagstaff, claiming to be an emancipated minor with custody of his little sister. I drove all night to get to Flagstaff with Dean in the passenger seat beside me. Neither one of us talked, until we were an hour away from Flagstaff. I pulled over and told Dean that I expected him to let me deal with this, and he was not to interfere. Dean agreed, and we drove on.

 

I found them in a little abandoned house in a rundown part of the city. He definitely wasn’t happy to see me, but he didn’t fight me coming either. He met Dean and me outside and begged us not to yell at Evelyn for running away. Apparently, he told her that I actually ordered them to leave. To find a safe place to hole up and wait for me to come and get them. I didn’t really believe him, but when we stepped inside and Dean woke Evelyn up, she practically knocked us both down.

 

The ride back to the house was the longest I’ve ever had. Evelyn excitedly told us all about what she’d been doing while they were ‘waiting’ for me, and I thought Sam was going to crawl through the floor. Eventually Evelyn fell asleep again, and I thought Sam would say something. Anything. But he fell silent too.

 

Things only got worse from there. Dean took Evelyn out for a while after we got back. She was still asleep, completely dead to the world, so he probably just took her to a parking lot somewhere and let her sleep. I didn’t want her here while I dealt with Sam. I tried to talk to him, find out why he ran, but his answer just made me all the more pissed off.

 

I wish I could say I blacked out with what happened next. But long story short, I yelled at Sam some more, punished Evy for listening to Sam and leaving with him, then made a complete jackass of myself. I went overboard and ended up slapping her in the face, and I’ll never forgive myself for it. Bobby tore me a new one. Basically told me that punishing Evy wasn’t in my job description anymore. I had to promise to leave that job to him, Dean, and Sam, or I risked Bobby taking both Sam and Evelyn away.

 

Am I really this big of a bastard? I love these kids. What’s left of my heart after Mary and Missy beats solely for them. Why is it so hard to convince them of that? I promised Evelyn tonight that I would do a lot better. I think her telling me ‘you hurt me, Daddy, you really hurt me’ is going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life. I hope I can keep that promise.


	20. Chapter 20

1997

 

November 30

 

I thought Sam and Evelyn being in Flagstaff for two weeks was bad. That was nothing.

 

We were on a hunt a few days ago, and we stumbled into another while we were there. Sam had just put Evelyn to bed, when the motel desk clerk came and knocked on the window. I thought it was a little weird, but I didn’t think too much of it at first. Twenty minutes later, Sam told us what happened.

 

Evelyn had been taken from us.   


It was the longest day of my life. She was gone for a little over fourteen hours. I had no clue, at first, what had taken her, whether she was alive or dead, sick or healthy, hurt or not. And that hurts. It hurts a lot. It’s one thing to constantly worry about saving strangers. But when the person I’m saving is my own kid, the stakes are so much higher. And the possibility of failure, while unacceptable on a normal hunt, nearly drove me crazy this time.

 

When we found Evelyn, she refused to go with us. Apparently, the demon had turned itself into me and Dean and tried to convince her that we didn’t want her anymore. I tried to pick her up and carry her back to the car, but she woke up screaming and hitting anything she could get her hands on. After we got her to Bobby’s and settled, she apologized for hitting me.

 

I feel like a first class bastard for being proud of her for doing that. She didn’t hesitate. She thought someone she didn’t know was picking her up and she went to swinging. Maybe my baby’s not so much a baby anymore.

 

Once we got back to Bobby’s, Evelyn was a wreck. She was exhausted, didn’t want to eat anything, and couldn’t seem to stop crying. Sam got her calmed down, but she wouldn’t let him go. I have a feeling that’ll be the case for awhile.

 

I’ve never regretted telling her the truth about monsters more than I do right now. I want my baby back. The sweet little girl that would grab me and say ‘Love Daddy’. I never wanted her to have to be so close to evil like this. But now it’s officially touched every person in this family. One thing’s for sure. I’ll never take for granted being able to hug and kiss her again.


	21. Chapter 21

1997

 

December 18

 

We haven’t been anywhere in three weeks. And, surprisingly, I’m not climbing the walls anxious to leave.

 

Evelyn is doing fine physically, but emotionally? She’s a wreck. Not that I blame her. She has nightmares all the time. They got so bad that Sam begged me to stop having to put her down for a nap. She’s so afraid that ‘the black-eye man’ is going to come back and grab her again. All of us have tried to convince her that he won’t, but it’s just not that easy. She’ll seem comforted for the moment, but she’ll have a nightmare when she falls asleep and wakes up crying about it again.

 

Sam keeps telling me I have to be patient with her. Gentle. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. But it’s hard when she only wants Sam. She sticks so close to him that I haven’t found one of them without the other the entire time we’ve been back. And the couple of times she has come to me for comfort, I find that I’m woefully inadequate at it.

 

That is, I was until today. I went to the grocery store down the road to restock Bobby’s kitchen. I tried to get Evelyn to go with me. Get her out of the house to do something, maybe take her mind off how miserable and scared she’s been feeling. She didn’t want to go, and I remembered what Sam said about being gentle and patient, so I didn’t push it or make it an order like I wanted.

 

When I was leaving, I found an ad for a photo shoot at the mall with Santa in a couple days. Grasping at straws, I decided to try it. When I told Evelyn, her eyes lit up with hope. Actual hope. She’s been smiling ever since, and it’s been hours. Sam put her to bed an hour ago, and she’s still sleeping peacefully.

 

Maybe I can actually do this Daddy thing once in a while.


	22. Chapter 22

1997

 

December 21

 

I really hate myself tonight.

 

Evelyn was so excited about going to see Santa. She drew a Christmas card for Santa, and wanted to bake cookies for him to take when she went to see him. It was the first time in weeks she’d smiled over much of anything. She wasn’t scared, she was talking, and she wasn’t having nightmares.

 

And I threw it all away for a hunt.

 

She took it bravely, at least until I left the room. I heard her crying while I packed a bag. The worst part is, if I had looked around a little, I probably could have found someone else to take the hunt, gotten a room for the three of them in Sioux Falls, and Dean at least would have still been able to take her to see Santa. But I couldn’t stand the thought of them being that far away from me. They had to be close. I’m holed up in another motel room about fifty miles away right now. The thought of facing Evelyn tomorrow terrifies me.

 

I just hope I haven’t completely destroyed Evelyn’s faith in me. Or worse, her faith in Santa. She’s my last child. I want her to be a child. I just hope she doesn’t hate me when I get back to them tomorrow.

 

December 22

 

I had nothing to worry about.

 

As soon as I walked in the room tonight, Evelyn ran up to me and grabbed me and thanked me over and over. Apparently the boys told her that my sudden hunt was to save Santa from some naughty kids, and I didn’t want to tell her in case I didn’t do it. Evelyn’s been telling me from the time I got back until she went to sleep a few minutes ago about Santa’s visit while I was gone.

 

Her exact words to me earlier were that I was her hero. I’m not sure I deserve that, but I’ll take it.

 

I’m turning off my phone until the day after Christmas. All three kids, not just Evelyn, deserve their whole Dad for a few days.


	23. Chapter 23

1998

 

January 17

 

I’ll never doubt Sam’s ideas when it comes to his sister again.

 

He suggested it after Christmas. Registering Evelyn for kindergarten starting in January. Sam overheard me bring up to Bobby that I didn’t know what I was going to do when Sam went back to school. Even though Evelyn has gotten a lot better, she’s still a bit clingy and only wants Sam most of the time. He argued Evelyn would have an easier time moving past him being gone during the day if she was in class too.

 

It worked better than I could have ever imagined. Evelyn loves it. She’s so smart that it was easy enough to convince the kindergarten teacher to let her start, even though she’s a year younger than they typically accept. She comes home to us every day, telling anyone who will listen about her day. She sings songs that her teacher taught her. She smiles, laughs, and as far as I know, has only had one nightmare since Christmas.

 

I leave again tomorrow for another hunt. My first since Christmas. I’m not used to being home for this long at a time. I love it, but it’s time to get back to work.

 

April 1

 

Evelyn’s five.

 

I make a journal entry every year for her birthday. Every year, the number gets bigger, and every year, I believe it less and less. She can read books that Sam wasn’t reading until the second grade. She’s started doing basic addition and subtraction. Sam wakes her up in the morning, and Dean makes her lunch, but she gets herself dressed and ready for school.

 

Damn, I’m proud of her.

 

June 17

 

School’s out, but there’s no summer vacation for us.

 

Dean got it first. A nasty stomach virus that had him up all night throwing up. Another day lying in bed with a headache, and then he was fine. Sam got it next, then me and now Bobby. Hopefully it avoids Evelyn. So far, she’s been a wonderful little caretaker. She’s brought us juice and medicine, and refused to leave until we took it. I tried to warn her not to hug or kiss any of us that were sick, since she might get it too, but I had to laugh when she answered me. She threw her arms on her hips and told me,

 

‘You’d hug me if I was sick.’

 

I certainly would. So let me go give Evelyn Bobby’s next dose of Pepto to take to him. It is kind of funny to watch her make Bobby take care of himself. Bobby pretends to be tough, but Evelyn can melt him like butter with one look.

 

June 22

 

I had to say it. I had to say that Evelyn wouldn’t get sick.

 

We were headed towards a hunt, and Sam suddenly started screaming at me to pull over. The second Evelyn’s feet were out of the car, she was throwing up. She was so sick that I left her and Sam in a hotel room and took Dean on to where the hunt was, about twenty miles away. That was two days ago, and Sam says she’s still sick.

 

Dean and I finished the hunt a few minutes ago. We decided to go back early tomorrow morning. Hopefully Evelyn’s better, but if not, I’ll definitely return the favor and hug her while she’s sick.

 

June 23

 

Evelyn was still sick when we got back.

 

It was a long day of tears and fever and her wanting to be cuddled. Evelyn normally wants hugs, but this was different. She couldn’t let Sam go anywhere without panicking. I’m starting to get worried about her. The last time I remember her crying like this was when she had that weird hand, foot, and mouth thing as a baby. She’s paler than I’ve ever seen her before. If she’s still sick when we all wake up tomorrow, I think a trip to a pediatrician’s in order.

 

June 24

 

Of course, the second I get in my mind to take Evelyn to the doctor, she gets better.

 

We had a nice little moment last night while she was still sick. Sam wanted to go take a shower, but Evelyn wouldn’t let him go. I could see Sam was about to give up. I told him to give me Evelyn, and I held her and cuddled her while Sam took his shower. Before Sam was even back out, Evelyn was fast asleep. I have to admit, the few minutes of being able to take care of her was nice, even if she was sick.

 

This morning, she woke up completely fine, demanding breakfast. Her fever was gone, her color was back, and her headache had left like she never had it in the first place. She seems a little tired, but otherwise back to normal.

 

After Sam laid her down in bed tonight, she asked for me to come over to her. She kissed mem on the cheek and said thank you to me for holding her the night before. She claimed it was what made her feel better. I know she didn’t say it to make me feel guilty, but she did a damn good job. She shouldn’t have to thank me just for holding her when she’s sick. She should just be able to take that for granted.

 

I have to try harder to find the son of a bitch that killed Mary. Then I can be the dad that my boys and my baby girl deserve.


	24. Chapter 24

1997

 

July 19

 

My Evelyn is an angel. An actual angel from God.

 

Dean and I were gone on a hunt, and I left Sam and Evelyn with Jim. I got a call from Jim on the third night that they were there. I’ve never heard Jim sound so rattled. Apparently Sam had taken Evelyn to the park, and while they were there, he got a minor scratch on his foot. It seemed okay at first, but he got sick that night. Very sick. Even though Jim treated the scratch, it got infected.

 

Sam had a sky high fever and wasn’t conscious. The doctors moved him to the ICU. Evelyn’s only five, and the hospital has a twelve years old or older policy for visiting in the ICU. Bobby and Jim both told her that she couldn’t go visit. When I got there, Jim wouldn’t even let me leave for the hospital until I talked to Evelyn.

 

She crawled in my lap and stayed there. She asked me whether Sam was going to die. My first instinct was to be truthful. Tell her that he might. But then I remembered what happened with Santa last Christmas. How giving Evelyn hope pulled her out of her slump. So I told her that Sam would be just fine, hoping that it was true.

 

Before I left for the hospital, Evelyn begged me to take Squish to Sam at the hospital. When she did that, I couldn’t make her stay home anymore. For her to give up Squish was huge. When I took her, after a short talk about not being scared of all the medical equipment around Sam, we went to visit. Jim, Dean, and I left her alone in the room for a few minutes while we went to get something to eat.

 

When we came back, she was sleeping hard on Sam’s bed. Jim wanted to get her up and take her back to his house, but I said no. Getting her to bed without Sam is a trying thing on a normal night, and waking her up and trying to make her go to sleep again at Jim’s would have been twice the battle. We were starting to talk about who would stay the night with the two of them, and that’s when it happened.

 

I heard Evelyn squeal before I heard anything from Sam. She had her arms around his neck and at first I thought she had woken up with a nightmare and was hugging Sam to make herself feel better. Then I heard Sam say something.

 

Sam’s recovery was the closest thing to miraculous I’ve ever seen. Thirty minutes before we came back to the room, when Jim, Bobby, Dean, and I went to get dinner, Sam was slowly but steadily dying. When we got back, his fever had broken and he was already starting to recover. I’ll be convinced until the day I die that her being there brought Sam back to life.

 

She begged to stay with Sam tonight. The doctors wanted to keep him for observation for one more night, just to make sure he’s really over this. When she gets home tomorrow, I think a little ice cream is in order.


	25. Chapter 25

1998

 

August 19

 

Evelyn started kindergarten again today.

 

As much as she loved it before, I felt like she needed a little more time there. It was easy enough to destroy her records from her old stint in kindergarten, and rather than have her reciting a lie about never having been in school before, Sam came up with the idea to just say that we’d had her in daycare and told her it was kindergarten. I know it’s probably cruel to do that, but I just feel like it’s cheating her for her to be the youngest person in her grade. Evelyn didn’t argue about it; she loves school so much that she doesn’t care about having to do the same grade again.

 

Evelyn gets out of school an hour before Sam and Dean do. I told her that, on most days, she would have to wait for Sam and Dean to pick her up after school, but I went to get her today. When I picked her up, she started talking and didn’t stop. Normally, when Evelyn starts talking, after a minute I can’t keep up with her and I shove her off onto Sam. But this time, I actually found myself enjoying it. Her telling me about her classmates, her teacher, what they did in arts and crafts today, all of it. For the first time in a long time, I actually felt like a father.

 

Sometimes being Daddy has its perks.

 

December 16

 

I thought, for about two days, about telling Evelyn the truth about Santa.

 

I didn’t want to. But I realized that we just didn’t have the money to do anything for Christmas, and I didn’t want her thinking that she was a bad girl this year and that was why she didn’t get anything. But apparently, Evelyn heard me telling Bobby last night that I was thinking about telling her the truth about Santa, and she went to Sam. I ended up getting a double dose of the same speech. Bobby chewed me out for not coming to him for help, and told me if I told Evelyn the truth about Santa, he’d do some very colorful things that I don’t think were actually possible. Sam was trying very hard to keep his temper, and politely asked me to let her keep as much of her childhood as she could.

 

She came to me earlier today and asked me to tell her the truth. She asked me to tell her if Santa was real. She promised me she’d be brave if I told her he wasn’t. But I couldn’t do it. I remembered last year, when the boys pulled together to let her keep her faith in Santa, and I just couldn’t undo all that. I told Evelyn that not only was Santa real, but that Daddy would go and help him fix his sleigh (what Sam told her I meant by telling her ‘the truth’ about Santa) so that he’d be there on time.

 

Not a lot can make me feel warm and peaceful. But Evelyn grinning and grabbing me in a hug and refusing to let go did exactly that.

 

Merry Christmas, baby. I know I screw up a lot. But Daddy truly loves you.


	26. Chapter 26

1999

 

January 9

 

Evelyn learned to tie her shoes yesterday. And like I tend to be so good at doing, I screwed it up.

 

We were traveling towards another hunt. I had told her to be quiet in the car so I could get some sleep. I heard Sam teach her to tie her shoes, and knew she was practicing until she got it. An hour later, she squealed in the backseat. She’d just tied her shoe all by herself.

 

But of course I couldn’t celebrate with her. I was so tired from getting ready for the hunt that I just snapped at her and basically told her to shut up without actually saying it. She apologized and slumped back in her chair. I didn’t start feeling guilty right away, not until I heard her giggling later that night as she and Sam whispered their entire conversation.

 

Evelyn’s been practicing tying her shoes all day today. I keep wanting to tell her I’m proud of her, but I don’t know if it’ll mean as much today as it would have yesterday.

 

February 13

 

I’ve dealt with the boys getting in fights at school before. And every time they do, I always do the same thing. Bring them home, talk with them again about keeping a low profile, and maybe, depending on the circumstances, punish them for the fight.

 

I couldn’t do it this time.

 

Apparently, Evelyn was playing outside on the swing set, when some little shit in her class pulled her off then pushed her to the ground. She turned around and put her hands on her hips and told him off for doing it, then pushed him down right back when he kept laughing at her. When the kid threatened to tell the teacher, Evelyn put her hands on her hips again, puffed her chest out, and said that if he told anyone, she’d just tell her classmates that he got beat up by a girl.

 

The teacher was laughing when she called me. She’d been watching from a distance and decided not to intervene, since this kid had been bullying some other kids in that class too. She told me that she only called me because she had to, but that Evelyn wasn’t in trouble. Just the opposite. She was proud of Evelyn. Just like me. As long as she ended the fight and didn’t start one, I’m letting this one go.

 

April 1

 

Evelyn turned six years old today.

 

She’s still only in kindergarten, but she can read books that Sam couldn’t read until the third grade. She knows her left from her right, and I’ve started to teach her how to tell her north, south, east, and west. Her favorite game is ‘Simon Says’, and I play that one with her to try and teach her how to follow orders without questioning. So far, it seems to be working.

 

I had a fight with Sam over what to do for Evelyn’s birthday. Money’s tight again, and I didn’t want to waste it on anything we didn’t absolutely need. Sam insisted on getting her a dress, which was the only thing she asked for. He found one at a thrift store, and bought it and a pair of shoes with some money I didn’t know he had.

 

Again, why do I doubt Sam when it comes to these things? The dress was beautiful, and it suited Evelyn perfectly. I sometimes forget she’s still a little girl surrounded by nothing but boys. She deserves to feel special and pretty and loved. She looks so much like her mother, especially with that grin she had on when she walked out to model the dress for us. I could hear Missy in the background of my mind. Just shut up and let her have this damn moment, she was saying.

 

What a beautiful moment it was.

 

August 21

 

Evelyn lost her first baby teeth yesterday. Two of them. Sam said she fell down the stairs and the teeth fell out. He also said she didn’t cry the entire time he was giving her first aid.

 

Please stop growing, my baby. I don’t know if my heart can take it.


	27. Chapter 27

1999

 

November 6

 

It takes a lot to truly frighten me. But Sam just did it.

 

Dean and I are on our way back from a hunt. We were planning to take our time, since it’s a twenty-hour drive, but Sam’s call made us decide to drive straight through. Sam said that Evelyn’s been sick with a stomachache all day, but that everything seemed to be okay until after dinner. She didn’t feel like eating, and she had a fever, so Sam figured she was getting a stomach flu and sent her to bed. Apparently, two hours ago, she woke up screaming.

 

Dean and I are still ten hours away. We’ve stopped now at a gas station to fill up and call for an update. Sam said that they were still at the hospital, and that they just got in for an exam. I wish I could’ve crawled through the phone to strangle some of those doctors. Evelyn is a tough kid. She’s proven that over and over. But I could hear her crying over the phone, telling Sam how bad her stomach hurt. I tried to talk to her, but she just kept begging me to come home and telling me how scared she was. Worse, she kept asking me to make it stop hurting.

 

I thought losing Mary and Missy was bad. But listening to my kid in the hospital beg me to take her pain away when I’m hours from her and my other kid sounding like his world was ending shook me today. I don’t like feeling this helpless. Hopefully, whatever it is can be fixed quick. The thought of losing her…I can’t face it. I won’t face it.

 

 


	28. Chapter 28

1999

 

November 7

 

Evelyn is much sicker than I ever thought.

 

When Dean and I got to the hospital yesterday, she’d been in surgery for ninety minutes. She was diagnosed with appendicitis. I was stupidly relieved when Sam told me that. I knew appendicitis was serious, but I figured they’d just take it out, she’d be sore for a week or two, and then she’d be fine. The doctor came out at the three hour mark and told us the whole story.

 

Evelyn made it through surgery fine. Her appendix was very nearly burst, but she got there just in time. The problem came after the surgery was over. Evelyn never woke up.

 

There’s no reason the doctors can find for her to still be sleeping. She’s not in a coma. She’s responding when the doctors test her reflexes, and her brain and heart activity seem to be normal. She’s just sleeping for some reason and refusing to wake up. Or can’t wake up. There’s just no way to know.

 

Sam stayed at the hospital. I didn’t want to let him. I wanted to do it. But, as hard as it is to admit, I haven’t earned that. If Evelyn wakes up and it’s not Sam there with her, she might panic and that won’t be good for anybody.

 

It’s almost three in the morning. I promised Sam I’d bring Squish to the hospital in the morning. I guess I should try to get some sleep.

 

November 8

 

Evelyn’s still asleep.

 

She’s not moved at all. Her heart still beats strong. Her brain is still doing…something. The doctors are completely stumped. Something’s going on in her head and she can’t escape it. There’s no way to tell if it’s something good or something bad, but there’s something going on.

 

I just hope, wherever she is right now, she’s safe and healthy.

 

November 9

 

Just as quickly as Evelyn went to sleep, she woke up today. Sam was sleeping on her bed. He’s been up most of the night for the past three nights, so he was dead to the world. She woke up with a smile on her face. I went to call the doctor, but she shook her head no. She picked up Squish and tickled Sam in the nose to wake him up. The doctor came in and checked her out. He said she needed to stay one more day for observation, but that she seemed to be okay.

 

Let’s hope it stays that way.


	29. Chapter 29

2000

 

April 1

 

I want to cry.

 

My baby’s seven.

 

She’s so smart. She’s almost done with the first grade, but can read on a near middle school level and do math at a third grade level. She’s been in three schools this year, and all three schools have tried to get me to have Evelyn’s IQ tested. One teacher even suggested that she could be a genius. It certainly wouldn’t surprise me. But I can’t let her do it. That kind of attention would do nothing but hurt our hunting efforts.

 

I feel terrible about it, but that’s the way things are.

 

June 17

 

Evelyn and Dean are driving me crazy.

 

It’s mostly Dean. I know that. He’s been getting a little cocky on hunts lately so I grounded him from the last two. I wouldn’t even let him do any research. The idea wasn’t really meant to punish him, just give him some time to think and relax a little bit. But having him and Evelyn both at home all day long turned out to be a recipe for disaster.

 

The only bad part of Evelyn starting school is that she started realizing that she’s small for her age. She’s thirty pounds and just a little over three feet tall at seven years old. She gets picked on for it, and tries to pretend that it doesn’t bother her, but it does. Dean has picked up on it and started teasing her for it.

 

I’ve talked to him about it, and told him to quit it. He and Sam have gotten into fights over it. But it keeps happening. I’m close to the point of telling Evelyn that if Dean teases her again to just turn around and clock him as hard as she can. If I catch him doing it again, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I haven’t formally trained her yet. Evelyn couldn’t knock Dean down, but I bet if I gave her the permission to do it, she could at least cause him a bruise and make him think twice before messing with her.

 

June 19

 

Sam and Evelyn are evil. Pure evil. Diabolically so, and I like it.

 

Evelyn and Dean got into another fight today. Sam broke it up, and when Dean left the room, Sam came up with an idea. He and I took Evelyn to Bobby’s last night after Dean was asleep. When he woke up, Sam and I acted like we had no idea Evelyn even existed. We told him to stay in the house and not to move a muscle until we came back. It scared the shit out of Dean. We went and got Evelyn and brought her back.

In the car, I mentioned that I was going to ground Dean for a few days longer for constantly teasing Evelyn. But she came up with a much better idea. She asked if she could make Dean be her little brother for the day. Make it so he had to do whatever she said. When I asked her what she planned to do, she made me promise not to tell Dean, and said that she would just make him put her stuff back in her room the way she had it, make him take her fishing, and make him watch one or two Disney princess movies that night. When I got done laughing, I told her she had a deal. She has free reign over Dean until bedtime tonight.

 

I think Dean learned his lesson about teasing his baby sister. At least for now.


	30. Chapter 30

2000

 

October 5

 

Evelyn taught me a very important lesson tonight.

 

I’ve made her a promise twice now that I would have dinner with her, just her, for one night. I’ve broken it twice now. She finally lost it and yelled at me for it two days ago. I, of course, was anything but understanding about it. She ran to her room and cried until she fell asleep.

 

Then last night, she tried again. I didn’t keep my promise because I was planning to take a hunt, but the car was broken down. I tried to take the Impala, but Dean pointed out that his job is ten miles away, there’s no public transportation, and the community is too tight knit for him to steal a car and use it to get to work. So I had to pass the hunt off and I was pretty pissed about it.

 

When she came home from school, she apologized for yelling at me the night before. I could’ve shown her what it was like to graciously accept an apology and move on, but of course I didn’t. I didn’t say anything. Then she asked me, again, to keep a simple promise to her. Help her trust me a little more. But instead I blew up. Took the dinner away and told her that it wouldn’t happen because she was being selfish, putting her needs ahead of other people that need my help.

 

She’s not the selfish one. I am. I was taking my bad day out on her when all she wanted was to spend time with me.

 

Once Dean got home, he ripped me and Sam a new one, then took her out for a brother/sister ‘date night’. He let Evelyn get dressed up, then took her out to dinner and spent the time with her that I should have. I was surprised that, while they were gone, all I felt was jealousy. Jealousy that Dean was getting to be with her when I should be doing it myself. So I made up my mind to fix it.

 

Evelyn came back so tired that Dean carried her inside. She had a blast. Sam and I both apologized to her and agreed to take her out. I took my night tonight and, as it turns out, I needed it as much as she did. We went to a little diner, I let her eat what she wanted, and she taught me a couple of the games she plays in the backseat of the car. Why did I wait so long to do this? Maybe I should start thinking about doing it after every hunt.


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N: Here is where my version of John’s journal diverges with the one I based this story on. In the book, Sam didn’t leave for Stanford until 2002, but in my stories, and a lot of other fanfics I’ve read, he left when he was eighteen, in 2001. 2001 makes more sense to me. Agree or disagree, I just don’t see Sam sticking around a year longer than he absolutely had to.**

 

2001

 

April 1

 

Evelyn is eight. She’s eight and I feel like she’s already growing apart from me.

 

She spends every free second she has with Sam ever since she heard me and him fighting over him going to college. I found out he’d applied to a couple schools and I just couldn’t damn help myself. I told him if he left the family, he’d have to stay gone. Forever. If he wanted to abandon the fight for what killed his mother then he wouldn’t be my son anymore.

 

Mary would kick my ass for this. Not only for the way I’ve treated Sam, but the way I’ve treated Evelyn too. Mary always wanted a little girl. She even mentioned in passing to me a couple times about adopting one. And if she saw what a screw up I’ve become with Evelyn, I wonder if she’d ever want to be with me again.

 

That’s a stupid thought to have. Mary’s not here. It doesn’t matter what she would think, especially about Evelyn. Evelyn’s not Mary’s child.

 

April 2

 

I was drunk off my ass last night. How the hell could I say that about Evelyn?

 

Her birthday, to use Sam’s word yesterday, sucked. We did nothing for it, and she said nothing about it. Sam came to me today and fought with me again, but this time I actually agreed with him. Dean is out right now picking up a last minute cake, and Sam is getting her a gift from the three of us.

 

Happy birthday, kiddo. I know I’ve been a bastard lately, but I do love you.

 

September 4

 

Sam has been gone for five days, and Evelyn is thoroughly miserable.

 

She cried for two straight days after he left. I finally snapped and told her to get over it, that Sam was gone and wasn’t coming back. I told her she needed to be the big girl that she was and move on. I expected (okay, wanted) her to fight me on it, but she didn’t. She just sniffled, blew her nose, and said ‘yes, sir, I’m sorry, Daddy’ and kept going.

 

The problem now is that she’s stopped talking. She spends all her time writing in that damn journal or drawing. She doesn’t even smile with Dean when he tries to cheer her up. It pisses me off.

 

September 6

 

Four years ago, Bobby put me on notice that if I hurt Evelyn again, he’d kill me. Last night, he had to do it again.

 

When I wrote that journal entry from the fourth, I was drunk. Again. I came home from the bar and found Evelyn drawing Sam a picture. I was, to be nice about it, rough with her. She ended up with bruises on her arm. Dean was close to taking Evelyn and leaving when he found out, but he told me if we went to Bobby’s for a few weeks, he wouldn’t.

 

Bobby drew out of Evelyn what happened while he was putting her to bed last night. After she was asleep, he pulled a shotgun on me and told me, quote, ‘You ever hurt her again, I’ll fill you so full of holes I’ll be able to use you to strain pasta’. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad Bobby’s there to keep a check on me. I already lost Sam.

 

I don’t want to lose Evelyn too.


	32. Chapter 32

2001

 

December 24

 

Dean threw a curveball last night.

 

I was wondering why he hadn’t been doing much for Evelyn for Christmas, at least not as far as I had seen. Turns out he’d convinced Sam to come back and spend Christmas with Evelyn. I came home last night after buying a few groceries, trying to make a decent Christmas dinner, only to find Sam sleeping in one of the beds inside the apartment, Evelyn curled up next to him.

 

I wanted to throw Sam out all over again. I’m still pissed he left. But I knew if I did, Dean would leave too and probably take you with him. So, I left it alone. I’ll admit, it was quite nice to hear Evelyn wake up laughing rather than see her walk up to Dean with a frown on her face. When she and Sam finally got out of bed, Sam sent Evelyn to the kitchen to get the ingredients together for pancakes. He told me he knew I was still pissed off with him, and that if I really wanted him to, he’d leave after making breakfast. He said he wasn’t there to cause a fight, he had just come to be with Dean and Evelyn. He said he was leaving on the 27th, and that if I wouldn’t start a fight with him, he wouldn’t start one with me.

 

Damn him for being so reasonable.

 

December 26

 

Christmas was actually nice. Dean made a great dinner with the foot I bought. It amazes me how he made a few cans of vegetables and one pathetic looking turkey seem like a feast. But for the first time in a very long time, the four of us were a real family. We didn’t talk about hunting, but about normal things-Evelyn’s school, her telling us some third grade level jokes, and Dean telling her some more. We stayed at the table so long that Evelyn fell asleep, and Sam just picked her up and helped her change into pajamas.

 

Evelyn’s sleeping again, and she looks so peaceful. Maybe I should let Evelyn spend the summer with Sam. It’ll be easier for me and Dean, and it’ll help keep my relationship with Sam from burning down completely.

 

I’ll have to think about that one.


	33. Chapter 33

2002

 

March 23

 

I’m a damn idiot.

 

Easter is next week, and we’re moving. Again. Evelyn took it just like she always does. She grabbed her backpack when I picked her up school, put it in the car, and said nothing. But I could see it. That little bit of disappointment that she can’t help but show me, that she fights so hard to keep back. She spent the trip to the motel coloring or writing in her journal. After we stopped to eat, Dean got in the backseat with her and she fell asleep. Once we got to the room, everything went to hell.

 

I sent Evelyn to get her shower. I saw her digging through the bags looking for something, but she didn’t ask me for anything. She got her shower, said goodnight to me and Dean, then climbed into bed. She waited a minute, then I realized what I’d done.

 

I didn’t pack Squish.

 

It was an accident, but I didn’t tell her that. It’s a nine hour drive one way from the motel back to the town we’d just left. We skipped out on the lease, so calling the landlord to see if he’s still there isn’t much of an option either. I could try to send Bobby, I guess. But I’ve got to do something. Sam leaving was bad enough, but losing Squish has gotten Evelyn almost back to where she was before.

 

I have to fix this.

 

Once the hunt is over, I’m going back. The least Evelyn deserves is to have Squish with her. She’s such a good kid, and I’ve dragged her into this life just because I couldn’t let her go. I just hope I’m able to find that stupid cat.

 

March 29

 

Dean and I finished the hunt. I stayed behind for one night, and I left early this morning. I hustled at a couple of bars along the way, getting some cash to pay off the landlord what was left of the lease. The landlord was surprisingly pleasant about letting me out of the lease, especially since I paid him the rent for the whole length of the lease. But another family had already moved in, a single mom with two little kids.

 

The mom was great. I told her that we’d just moved out, and my little girl thought she left behind her stuffed cat she slept with every night. She let me check each of the kids’ rooms, but I didn’t find it. She told me she had taken a garbage bag with some things in it she’d found to Goodwill. She said she didn’t look in it, just saw it had some old clothes and took it. I thanked her and ran to Goodwill and asked the clerk about it. The poor kid started crying. Squish was in the bag and had been in such rough shape that she threw him away.

 

I went dumpster diving. I knew it was crazy, digging through trash for a toy. But I wanted to find him so bad. Give Evelyn some reason to trust in me. But I couldn’t find him. I tried so damn hard, and I just couldn’t find him. I thought about getting her another toy to replace Squish, but I knew it wouldn’t work. I’m headed back now to tell her.

 

I know what I have to do now. But God, I don’t want to. Maybe I’ll get lucky and Evelyn will tell me she doesn’t want to go.

 

March 30

 

Evelyn’s going to see Sam for the summer once school gets out. I don’t want her to go, but maybe it’ll be good for all of us.

 

I just don’t want to think about my baby being gone for ten weeks.

 

This is going to be the worst summer ever.

 

April 1

 

Evelyn’s nine. And I almost completely forgot about it.

 

Dean and I found a little house for rent, and we moved in last night. I left for a hunt this afternoon, and Bobby called and chewed me out. Told me to get my ass home to my kid and celebrate her birthday with her, that he’d take the hunt. So I stopped at the local Kmart, bought her a new journal to replace the one she has that’s getting worn out, got a pizza and some balloons, and headed home. The look on her face when I got back was completely worth the missed hunt.

 

This still doesn’t make this summer any easier to think about, though. She leaves on May 15th, in just six more weeks.


	34. Chapter 34

2002

 

May 15

 

Evelyn left today.

 

She was so exited when we took her to the bus station. Dean reminded her of the rules for the bus ride. Sit right behind the bus driver and don’t talk to anyone else. There was one stop, and she wasn’t to get off the bus for that stop for any reason. Call us when she got to Sam. She should call any minute now.

 

How am I ever going to make it through this?

 

July 31

 

Evelyn comes back tomorrow.

 

Sam refused to put her on a bus. He insisted on driving her back. This will only be the second time I’ve seen Sam face to face since he left. I’m nervous, but excited too. I miss him just as much as her.

 

This is the most excited I’ve been in years. I’ll admit, this has been the easiest summer I’ve had in a long time. No having to worry about making sure Evelyn’s taken care of. Being able to just pick up and leave. I won’t lie and say it hasn’t been nice.

 

But I miss my baby.

 

Seeing her when she wakes up. Her giving me hugs and kisses out of nowhere. I never realized how much she actually kept me sane until she was gone.

 

Evelyn just called, and said they’d be here around dinnertime tomorrow. The time can’t go fast enough.

 

August 3

 

Evelyn’s gone again. This time for good.

 

Apparently spending so long in one place showed her how bad a dad I was. How much more she could have living with Sammy instead of me and Dean. I pretended like I was pissed yesterday and fought Sam on it. I could’ve taken Evelyn that day and left.

 

But she’s better off with him. Sam can provide her with what I was never able to give him. A good home. A safe home. Stability. He can probably put her in a gifted school. Whatever happens, at least they’re happy now.

 

I do wish I hadn’t reacted the way I did. Sam sent her outside when the fight got heated, and after he threatened to call CPS on me if I didn’t let her go willingly, I stormed outside. Evelyn was standing next to Sam’s car and tried to give me a hug. I was too mad. I pushed her aside and got in my truck and drove off. But I saw her face before I was gone. She was crying and Sam was trying to make her feel better. I’m sorry, little one. I’m so sorry. Daddy still loves you.


	35. Chapter 35

2002

 

September 1

 

I saw Evelyn for the first time today since she left.

 

She called me for what feels like the hundredth time since she left. But I just can’t bring myself to pick up when she does call. She leaves a voicemail every time, and I listen to those over and over.

 

Evelyn started the fourth grade a few days ago at the local elementary school where Sam lives. I checked out the school and her teachers, which she made all the more easier because she called and told me who they were. They all checked out.

 

She called to tell me that she’d gotten hurt at school. She’d been climbing a staircase and fell down and hurt her wrist. I got there just in time to see Sam taking her to the student clinic. I was glad it was crowded there. It made it easier for me to blend in. Evelyn was sitting in Sam’s lap crying at one point. That scared me. She’s a tough kid. This is the same kid who sat basically silent at three years old while I stitched up her hand. Then it hit me.

 

She wasn’t crying because she was in pain. She was crying because she was in pain and she hadn’t heard from me.   


I had to leave then. It’s safer to stay away from them. It kills me, but it’s necessary. Evelyn just called Dean with an update. She’s got a sprained wrist, and will have to wear a small cast for a little while. Dean, who has hurt his wrist more times than I care to count, gave her some tips on how to deal with it and told her good night and he loved her. He tried to get me to talk to her too.

 

Not now. Maybe another day, but not now.

 

October 16

 

I always knew Evelyn was smart. But damn, I didn’t know how smart.

 

She called and told me she was changing schools. Sam took her teacher’s advice and had her tested for a gifted program. The results blew everyone away. She tested at the level of a tenth grader. She was offered a scholarship to a nice private school just down the road from Sam’s house.

 

I made it for a ‘visit’ just as Sam and Evelyn were coming out of school. Sam looked stunned, and Evelyn looked like she was thinking about what to do. I was close enough in a car they wouldn’t recognize that I could hear their conversation. Sam wasn’t really that excited about the possibility. They talked about it a minute, and Evelyn decided to try it. Apparently, the school had told her she could give it a trial run for a few weeks, and if she really didn’t like it, she could go back to elementary school.

 

I went from having a fourth grade daughter to a high school daughter overnight. I’m not sure what to do with this. I just wish there was a way to tell her how proud I am of her.

 

December 5

 

Evelyn decided to stay at the private school.

 

Sam tells Dean that she’s thriving there. She loves school, and it’s finally something she loves rather than something that’s too easy for her. She gets picked on for being so much younger than everyone else, but she’s made friends with an older girl who has the same first name as her who watches out for her.

 

She had her first bit of trouble today. A boy was teasing her, and apparently he’s been teasing her since she got to the school. She was starting to walk back home when he tripped her in front of all the students hanging around outside. Evelyn got back up and tried to walk away. Randall, the bully, finally said something about how it was no wonder her parents didn’t want her. She jumped on him, knocked him down, punched him and kicked him a couple times before the fight was broken up.

 

I’m insanely proud of her and laughing all at the same time. My petite nine-year-old little girl beat up a football player that’s probably at least three times her size and seven years older than she is.

 

Because the parents were so understanding about the fight once Evelyn told them what happened, and neither Sam or the boys’ parents decided to press any charges, all she got for it was a one day suspension. Today’s Thursday, and she goes back to school on Monday. Sam let her off with a warning and a promise not to fight at school anymore.

 

For the first time today, I’m really glad Evelyn wasn’t here with me when it happened. I know I overreact to things. I don’t know what I would’ve done if she’d been here with me. Definitely not told her I was proud of her for putting that cowardly bully in his place.

 

I’ll have to find a way to deal with that little shit myself. Maybe find out where he lives and break into his room one night to have a ‘talk’ about what happens when you pick on little girls smaller than you.

 

I like this idea. A lot.


	36. Chapter 36

2003

 

April 1

 

Evelyn is ten years old.

 

Ten. She’s in the double digits.

 

Why does that hit me so hard? I’ve been staying away from her like I promised myself I would, but I couldn’t resist going last night. She was just getting home from school. Sam was in class, and she met Jess outside. She looked happy. I watched until Sam came home a few minutes later, and they all went inside.

 

Sam called me this morning. Left a voicemail begging me to come this weekend for a birthday party he and Jess were planning for her. Or to at least call her tonight and tell her happy birthday.

 

I can’t. I just can’t do it yet. When Dean brought me the phone earlier, I told him to tell Evelyn I was out. Dean, who usually does whatever he can to spare my feelings, made sure I knew that I made Evelyn cry today. I know this is tearing Dean apart. I know the biggest reason he’s stayed with me instead of going with his brother and sister is because he feels obligated to. If I wasn’t so selfish, I’d tell him to just go be with them.

 

But I can’t do it. I can’t tell Dean to leave. There’s days, more often than not lately, that Dean is the only thing, other than this steadily more and more hopeless search for whatever killed Mary, that keeps me from eating my gun. He makes sure that I eat like I’m supposed to and drink something other than Jack. I’d fall apart without him.

 

I have to find this thing that took Mary from me. It’s the only thing that makes sense lately. When that happens, I’ll have to work on getting my children back. I wish I knew how to tell them both how much Dad misses them.

 

May 19

 

I went to see Evelyn and Sam again yesterday.

 

They were in the park, kicking a soccer ball around. Evelyn got out of school yesterday. She passed with flying colors. Next year, she’ll be a junior in high school. I’m crazy proud of her. Who wouldn’t be? I just wish it didn’t feel like we skipped years in the middle of her life. She’ll be thirteen when she graduates high school. What’s after that?

 

I just realized it’s not my decision anymore. Guess I should get back to what I do best. There’s day I wish I’d never heard of hunting. And then there’s days it feels like it’s all I have left.

  

November 2

 

Another year’s gone by of this shit. Mary’s still dead, Sam and Evelyn are still gone. Missy’s gone. Dean is gone on his own hunts more often than he’s ever here with me.

 

I have to find a hunt. Sitting here is driving me crazy.  


	37. Chapter 37

2004

April 1

Evelyn turned eleven today.

She's thriving at Sam's. She's nearly done with the tenth grade. She has a lot of friends, and is still close to her friend Evelyn. They spend days together studying, time together going to the movies and museums, and had a sleepover last week. I'm not comfortable with her spending this much time with someone I barely know. But then again, it's not my decision.

I've been able to see her about every other week for the last few months. She hasn't spotted me yet. I don't know if I want her to or not. She used to call me every day like clockwork. That went down to every other day, and now it's about every three or four days. I still don't pick up. But hearing whatever message she leaves for me? It's the brightest spot in my days right now.

May 23

Evelyn called me last night. Usually her messages make me feel better, but tonight it drove me straight to the bar.

She always asks me to come see her. But this time, she begged me. There's an end of the year father daughter dance at the local community center, and she wants me to go so badly. I want to. I really do. Evelyn more than deserves to be treated like a princess. But I just can't go. It's not safe yet. Not until I kill this thing that killed Mary. Maybe she can get Sam to go with her. If she calls again and begs me to go, I'll order Dean to go see her and take her.

September 4

Evelyn started the eleventh grade yesterday. I'm so proud of her I don't know what to say.

I just keep hoping that, by the time she graduates, all this will be over. I can only hope.

December 26

The loneliest Christmas I've had in a long time. Dean was on a hunt in a little town outside Kansas City, and he got snowed in. He was determined to drive and make it back in time, but I ordered him to stay. It would've been good to have him, but it's not worth the risk of something happening to him. I can't lose Dean too.

Evelyn sent me a card to Bobby's. I got it when I was there Christmas Eve. I have it in my wallet now, and I have a feeling that's where it's going to stay. Right next to that picture they gave me for Christmas years ago. It's still the only one I have of the three of them together.

Merry Christmas, my babies. All of you. Even though I may not know how to show you, I love all of you.


End file.
